time for a repost! oh wells.

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

how can i let go and be sure that it's the right decision

when she isnt sure of anything herself?

"i dont know, i think its better that way"

why am i letting go of the love of my life, on grounds as shaky as this?

people change and you say that i don't understand what you're going through anymore.

but somehow i feel that, it goes both ways as well.

i cried looking at the cross-stitch pouch she made for me.
back when i was in the army, i carried a pouch with everything needed inside in case of any contingencies.

i'd thought that it would stop hurting but it still hasnt.

2 more years to go..

shit, i've been holding onto a few rock climbing certs of my friends from some events and i havent gotten down to passing it back to them yet.

and to be honest i hope i havent lost it.

sometimes i really think that i can't be trusted with anything at all. =(

Stumbled upon this gem of a song. can't believe that their '08 album release completely slipped under my radar. the price you pay for being a mugger. oh well. to my beloved yiffy, here is:

I Can Wait Forever - Simple Plan

You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So i try to find the words that i could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

You look so beautiful today
It's like every time I turn around I see your face
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay
And I cant lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But I can wait
I can wait forever
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever

I know it feels like forever
I guess that's just the price I gotta pay
But when I come back home to feel your touch
Makes it better
Till that day
Theres nothing else that I can do
And I just cant take it
I just cant take it

Another day without you with me
Is like a blade that cuts right through me
But i can wait
I can wait forever (I can wait forever)
When you call my heart stops beating
When you're gone it wont stop bleeding
But I can wait
I can wait forever
I can wait forever
I can wait forever...

has anyone spent so much time driving to hear about perez hilton getting whacked by will.i.am? i just found it really amusing. lol. who is perez hilton and why does anyone want to listen to some gay celebrity blogger instead of the multi award winning black eyes peas frontman?

i mean, who the hell would take someone called "perez hilton" seriously?!

it wasnt until the advent of blogging, and subsequently, facebooking and tweeting as a form of media, that a new breed of famous household names slowly begun to emerge and find their footing :

the celebrity blogger.

the name of the game is entertainment. the internet is a media that doesn't lend itself well to serious, substantiated commentary. there just isnt enough time or space to develop ideas and thoughts. as a result, just about everything we see on the internet is reduced to bite-sized pieces. hence twitter (which, to me, is seriously overrated here in singapore, it's just not picking up yet), facebook, etc. it helps that few, if any, look for anything else other than entertainment online. most people just want a laugh or two, for the heck of it.

what we have then, is a perfect storm of mindless attention-grabbing. an arena where style matters so much more than substance, and the people at the very top of the chain are simply masters of their craft : the art of making eating with friends and ktv look oh-so-interesting.

of course, there are those such as mrbrown who manage to strive on with injecting humour into everyday occurences, but such blogs are few and far between. and quality ones, even less so.

i wouldn't say that im a follower of xiaxue's blog, because she's more thought-provokingly... brazen(?) and direct and it's more interesting to go back once in awhile to laugh at the kinds of comments that she makes, rather than eagerly await her latest updates. if by that definition, i follow her blog, then whatever. i dont follow it in a good way, if such a description exists.

it was pretty sad that she managed to pummel someone who commented on her into such a sorry state that the aforementioned guy's blog closed down. =/ it just smacks so much of communist china vs. tiananmen protesters. poor guy never stood a chance.

sure, the guy was never acting in complete good faith to begin with, but surely, returning the favour with interest is never going to put you in good stead with anyone who has a brain. this begets the question : are ppl like her even out to get into the good books of others?

i mean, reading about what happened to the guy, i can't help but feel abit sad that there's a chance that she'll bump into this post and do a quick google on my past history (which i am sure would churn out more than i'd like the whole world to know) and i'd go down the road of the previous guy. but i have the absolute non-popularity of my blog to protect myself, lol. so, for the first time, i'm gonna have to stick my neck out and say tt should anything bad start to happen, i'll just delete it all and pretend it never happened. and hope that it doesnt ruin my life.

wrt the part of her latest the blog post where she asks : "Do I look like a whore?"... i'll just try to avoid being the bearer of bad news in this instance. i'm sure my gf will agree with me.

sometimes i wonder if people really can make a living just by sensationalising everything, before i realise that the print industry has been doing that for centuries.

this song just stirs something in me. it's not exactly fitting, but i think, sometime in my life, someone would have sang this song to me. =(

You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

camps are a good way of learning to deal with people.

and dealing with people is one of the things that i am worst at, and looking to improve upon.

after all, no engineer works alone, and teamwork and leadership are fundamental to any successful engineer/manager/businessman.

making a commitment and sticking to it is, too.

so i've been hiding my thoughts all this while and fufilling my commitments to the best of my ability.

after all, this is what i would have wanted to see in others as well.

the real content of this post will not be revealed as i feel that it has to be password protected.

so, what u get is just a blank space for now.

i spent an hour today chatting with my grandmother.

i dont know what it is with my grandmother that just makes me filial, in a way that i dont even feel towards my parents.

perhaps it is the knowledge that she will not be around forever; it's prevalent in our conversations in hokkien that she and i face very different problems and difficulties that we can't really relate to each other.

but it's not really about relating to each other, is it? its amazing how people in your life can lead such a differing life from you. =/

maybe the main thing is that i dont want to have to see her go. =/

i am absolutely amazed at my own studity. i had 3 hours to make a decent phone conversation and somehow i managed to end up with nothing.

on a completely unrelated note, i've more or less had it with people who keep prawning and fishing during the hols. it's not so simple, and it's just not something... i dont know. i can't understand why hippie youngsters actually wish to do it. maybe it's all the times when i was young and my dad would just abscond with his rod the whole weekend, as a result of which we never really spent a decent weekend together (my family sunday outings are still mostly sans dad, or if he does tag along, he's always headed for best denki or the sort to oogle at tv screens.)

anyway, the real reason i was motivated enough to blog was because of a couple of mentions of some elitist ranting that i'd extremely belatedly come across. and it set me thinking.

i like to think that it is both a gift and a privilege to have an agile mind. ever since i entered uni (and started..... i can't find the right word for it, my new social circle?) i'd come to cherish intellect. not all smart people are intelligent, and not all who are intelligent are wise. and we havent even started on being streetsmart yet.

of all the faculties of the human body it is the faculty of thought that sets us apart, and to that end it is those who have most developed their thinking that are remembered the most fondly.

even in jc, where i found that not everyone was interested in the world around us, i'd learnt that not everyone was interested in thinking, much less thinking too much (which is actually a bad thing). there are people who are completely happy with their worldview, regardless of its relative size to that of their contemporaries.

what struck me most were my conversations with mr choe. i think that there arent many people out there with such mental acuity, that he could pluck your speeches apart like leaves on a branch. after graduation i would often say "perhaps there's no reason to call you mr choe now that i've graduated for awhile" to which he would reply "but the thing is, would you be able to handle calling me by my name?". life is a fog, a numbingly huge mishmash of information, and visionaries are often described as people who can peer through the fog. i agree.

when he moved to another jc i once asked him "is there really such a huge difference?" to which he said "yes". (effectively. im leaving out enough details so that i dont get branded as yet another elitist). i've worked with people who have much less of a future than i have........

i cant be bothered to finish my post. suffice to say, while they may come across as exteremely elitist, you dont get to be there without at least the ability to argue effectively. to that end they do so very well.

On My Own - Les Miserables
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuS1cCnG8xc

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...

dear blog,

i know im a guy but still, i woke up this morning feeling stressed and scared.

and then it dawned on me that, i've been like that since the holidays, and i havent been able to let go of that still.

need to stop the nightmares, the cold sweats. i need to stop waking up scared, need to stop always teetering on the brink of tears and i need to stop overreacting/going paranoid about everything/thinking too much.

of course it is a retarded thing to do but i wish i could help it; im just permanently scared and even blogging it down gets me all uneasy and nervous.

i need to shake this of but of course it is easier said than done.

the things that i've lost... im not sure that it'll come back again :(